Last night I dreamt that I was involved in some James Bond-style mission to try and get to my placement supervisor's office to ask his advice. I had to bluff, sneak, and battle my way through villains running sham spas and beauty services on various floors of the psychology building whilst being mocked and ridiculed by individuals from my undergraduate course (who in real life are all lovely by the way). Oddly, I love a good nightmare, and I was a bit disappointed when my alarm went off and woke me up. But the fact I was dreaming it at all indicates that I am finding it tough and unable to switch off my brain. Add to this that I have spent two out of the past four days suffering from Autistic burn-out, and it's time to do some serious thinking about self-care.
As an autistic human with PTSD, every day can feel like a battle. But recently, I have had a few more battles to contend with than I might like. Professionally, I have been faced with a situation in which my values were tested, and one of the reasons I decided to pursue psychology as a career was due to my strong sense of social justice, so I could not turn a blind eye and had to make my values clear before choosing to walk away. It would not be professional of me to go into details, but unfortunately, it hasn't ended there. I now find myself in a position where I have to navigate the complexities of employment law so that I can leave the situation behind me with my conscience intact whilst also having to take a substantial drop in earnings, my casual job as a deputy registrar dries up for the winter season, inflation is at a 40 year high, and the workload for my MRes picks up. All this requires a great deal of emotional time and energy, not to mention the cognitive load it has put on my brain. As an autistic, social interaction, new situations, making new friends, navigating new situations, and dealing with the unknown can all cause physical and mental exhaustion, and even the slightest confrontation can trigger my PTSD.
So, here we are. Friday morning, my alarm is going off. I've just awoken from my James Bond nightmare, and I know that I will be physically unable to leave the house today as every inch of me is worn out. I have a 7.30 am start at one of my jobs in the morning that I cannot afford to miss, so I am sitting in my sunshine yellow tracksuit, wrapped in my heated electric throw, accepting that, for now, it's going to have to be a day on - day off for me when it comes to human interaction and leaving the house. I can't do much about the conflict I am facing professionally; I have that in hand, and it will take its time to play out, but I've made myself a cuppa soup, had two coffees, and cuddled the cat. I also placed an order online for my groceries, and I'll chip away at some reading to inform me how best to create a plan for my focus group. The evening study will have to take a back seat for a while as early nights will help me recover and recuperate. Self-care must be the order of the day. After all, what good is time management if you're not managing your time to allow for self-care?!
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